I’m back (maybe) (we’ll see) after my longest break from this thing (I think, I’m not going to go back and check). To anyone who has paid for this, don’t sue me pls lmao. I don’t have the resources for that and if anyone is to blame, it is billionaires: if a submersible providing tours to the Titanic wreckage simply imploded every week, I’d be more motivated to write.
Summer sucks August is an ingrown hair on the butthole
Summer has always been my worst time of year mentally and physically. August in particular feels is a personal attack, with all respect to any Leos reading this. I hate the heat. I would rather be lost in the woods with Christopher Moltisanti and Paulie Walnuts in the snow than outside — or even inside — on a hot, humid day. I both look and feel better when I can comfortably wear a boot and a coat.
Summer and other facts sent me into a dark place the past several months that rendered me incapable of writing anything interesting, informative, or entertaining. Every time I sat down to write something here — which I did try every week, my Notes App can prove this — it just turned into a shopping list with vintage Chanel I’ll never be able to afford or reasons why I don’t want to live anymore, so actually you’re welcome because no one except me and the therapist I do not have needs to suffer through that. While I want to share a more authentic, unfiltered, serious version of myself here and sharing your darkest thoughts and experiences is part of being a writer which is WHAT I AM, I am not particularly interested in sharing certain details of my life or psyche with everyone or anyone for that matter. Long story short: I was not okay but I am okay now.
Instead of catching you up on things that happened over some of the darkest days of my life, I want to move forward, like Don Draper or a shark. But first, a PSA of sorts that is really fucking cheesy I’m sorry: if anyone you know, love or barely know has been laid off and is unemployed for any period of time, they are not okay. They need support. It’s a humiliating, isolating, traumatizing experience that makes every insecurity a person could have inescapable. It also introduces brand-new insecurities and anxieties you didn’t even know were possible. Thank you!! Okay. Let’s move on from this permanently lol.
Bombs bad, communist parties chic
Like no one else, I saw Barbie and Oppenheimer in one day last month. On a Thursday afternoon, I saw Barbie at the Nitehawk Cinema Prospect Park. A baby babbled, screamed, and cried the entire time but I didn’t report it because I didn’t want to be an asshole, but I also assumed someone else would. I was wrong. My biggest takeaway from Greta Gerwig’s Barbie? Patriarchy bad, capitalism GRRRRRREAT! (a capitalism joke).
After seeing Barbie I took the subway home, sat on my couch, stared at a wall, ate a sad frozen Trader Joe’s meal, and walked to the Brooklyn Academy of Music 15 minutes before Oppenheimer started at 7:15. This was a huge mistake: it had been so long since I attended a movie screening without assigned seating and I underestimated how fucking early people would get to the theater. I got stuck on the outskirts of a low middle row — the kind of seat where you have to sit at an angle to see the entire screen. Once the lights go down and I EsCapE inTo ThE CiNeMA the seat is fine, but this also meant that I was surrounded by the type of people who think the CiNeMA is their LiVinG RoOm. A tall man next to me took his phone out and began texting as soon as the production company credits started and a woman in front of me took her phone out during all of the black-and-white scenes. During the film’s last forty minutes or so, a group of twenty-somethings in the front row began scrolling through TikTok, even when Josh Hartnett was on screen. So they dress like we did in that era while showing absolutely zero respect to its icons.
The biggest takeaway from Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer is obviosuly bombs bad, cheekbones good. My personal takeaway: communist parties chic. If communist parties were as chic as portrayed by Mr. Nolan, I was born in the wrong time period because I deserve to be there. Everyone dressed to the nines, you could sneak into a dark little library and go to third base, cigarette in hand. My final thought on Oppenhiemer is that if I see it in IMAX I might get arrested for public orgasm. In an old, small theater, the sound design made my entire body shake in a way that, combined with staring at Cillian Murphy’s razor-sharp cheekbones for three hours, made me feel a way while of course still aware that it is a serious film about a man who used his gifts and knowledge to change the world for the worse.
Bradley Cooper takes a note from Nicole Kidman
If a performer wants a guaranteed Oscar, there are a few things they can do:
play disabled person (Sean Penn)
play a trans character as a cis person (Eddie Redmayne, Jared Leto)
play a gay person as a straight person (Sean Penn)
wear a prosthetic that bravely disguises movie star looks while still looking appealing and mostly the same if we’re being honest (Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron)
do something insane like sleep in a carcass (Leonardo DiCaprio)
A teaser for Maestro, positioned as writer/director/star Bradley Cooper’s magnum opus since that didn’t work for A Star Is Born, came out this week. In the Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese produced (omg) biopic, Cooper plays Leonard Bernstein, the award-winning West Side Story composer who I first perceived via REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.“ For the role, Cooper took a note from Kidman, who wore a fake nose and won an Oscar for The Hours to make himself look more Jewish, which Bernstein was but he is not. If I was Bradley Cooper — that is, if I was a 0-9 at the Oscars — I, too might go to offensive and entirely unnecessary lengths to end my losing streak with the Academy. I’ve never said that I’m a great person (I literally wrote one of these things about being mean).
After inevitable backlash to the fake nose, Berstein’s children released a statement in its defense, noting their approval of Cooper’s performance and his commitment to telling Bernstein’s story. I’ll judge the nose and the movie and the performance when I see it. I am unfortunately a sucker for Cooper so just know that I’ll probably like it. There might also be a bias because Carey Mulligan is in it and I stand in solidarity with all Carries regardless of spelling.
What I’m obsessed with right now (mostly without commentary)
-Jane Fonda’s Instagram caption about a Maggie Rogers concert
-Runway shows from 1995. This Dolce & Gabbana show where the models smoked as they walked down the runway while “Never Tear Us Apart” by INXS plays is exactly how I’m trying to be
-Season 3 of The Righteous Gemstones. Danny McBride is the closest modern-day equivalent to a bonafide genius
-Project Runway Season 20 (Allstars). It’s Bishme’s to win but the emotional part of me is rooting for Rami
-Finding a perfect pair of heeled Chelsea boots. This pair is a strong contender. I will not be able to enjoy fall or winter without the perfect pair of heeled Chelsea boots btw
-The Real Housewives of New York City reboot
-Not really relevant here but I just learned that Shea Whigham is from Florida
In conclusion omg
If anyone is actually still interested in reading this, thank you. If you have any or questions or ideas on what I could write here, that might help me stay consistent.
xoxo